W are officially a family of 3 people and currently 3 furry children. Me. My husband. Our daughter. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I wrote my husband a poem that said “you + me = three”. Now, it is just us three. But the love we have in our home doesn’t feel like “just” us three. It feels enormous and engulfing (sometimes the chaos feels like that too). But we didn’t exactly plan this. See, after an almost 2 yr battle with what doctors call second-time around infertility, we have decided to throw in the towel. We aren’t sure why we are infertile. All tests came back clear. And I know it wasn’t for lack of trying, or hormone pills, or injectable hormones, or trigger shots, or stressful tears, or high hopes. We just can’t.
Our second time around fertility journey started as different things for my husband and I. For Rob, he had dreamed of always having at least 2 children. Being an identical twin and an older brother to my sister-in-law, he always assumed we would at least have two. For me the decision to have a second child took a little bit longer. That which I am not regretful of (even though some people like to remind me that I should be). Despite many people telling us that we should have a second child as soon as possible. I wasn’t ready to have a second child. I wasn’t ready to have more chaos into the home. I wasn’t ready to devote any more of my time to another child other than the one I currently and passionately loved. So I was actually always fine being a family of three. Two years ago though, the thought of having a second child crept into my mind and for the first time instead of feeling complete dread I could feel myself getting just a tiny bit excited and that’s when I knew that perhaps I might be ready to entertain the thought of a second child. My husband was elated.
Now Starts the Process
We want into the process is nonchalantly as the first time around. Simply saying that we would “pull the goalie” and see what would happen. I mean, it worked with my daughter, why wouldn’t it work again! After 4 months we realized we needed more help than the first time around, and so in started the ovulation sticks and my ovulation app. By month 8 we were no more closer than when we first started and so we consulted with my OB. And then in started the hormone pills. Couple months of that and we tried the pills plus three IUIs. Still nothing.
This past May after many failed attempts, we decided to give it a break. The break allowed us to regroup again as a couple in figure out how to best handle all the hormonal changes that I was going through because I won’t lie, they were difficult. And I don’t think either of us had expected that I would be nuttier than normal.
By this time, both of us were too invested in the thought of having another child and so we decided to forge forward on our journey and consulted a Specialist. The first time we saw him, I remember going to my car afterwards and crying. He shared with us that due to my “advanced age” our changes to conceive were 12%. I couldn’t believe it. 12% based on my age alone. I felt like I had been discriminated against by Father Time. We left the office feeling pretty down trodden although I credit my husband for keeping a brave face and being his usual optimistic self. In started the injectable hormone treatments which consisted of self-injectable shots for 7 days and going to the doctor every other day for 2 weeks straight. Each appointment consisted of 6:30 am. blood draws and ultrasounds which finally culminated with giving myself the trigger shot – which was harder than the daily shots because that sucker really looked like a needle and because the needles are daunting. After that there were the vaginal pills which were a greasy horrible gross mass that I had to do twice A-day but that didn’t stop us. We continued to excitedly to wait for the IUI results and everytime were left disappointed and frustrated.
We are 98% certain that our journey has come to an end. We’ve been through a lot. Both of us.
When we started down this road, I had clearly stated that I was 100% happy with just one child. After this experience, I still maintain that stance. Admittedly though, the closing of this chapter has been a lot harder and more emotional than I thought it would be.
I Am Very Emotional
I am angry. We literally took $10K and flushed it down the toilet. It wasn’t “invested,” it is just gone. I am sad. I am sad that everything our daughter does will be a first… and a last. I am frustrated. I can’t remember a time that I tried so hard for something, and yet walked away without achieving the desired goal. I am relieved. Finally, there is a conclusion. Maybe not the conclusion I wanted, but a conclusion none-the-less. I am surprised. I am surprised by all the emotions that I am feeling, especially since I wasn’t over-enthusiastic about expanding the herd. I feel blessed. I look at our daughter and realize what a miracle life really is, what a blessing she has been. Lastly, I am offended. Surprised by this? You shouldn’t be.
I am not interested in your opinion about our family size
Somehow people feel it necessary to comment on our family size. The comments of judgement that we have heard since the birth of our daughter have been astounding. Now, I don’t mind people asking if we are planning on more children. I think that is a reasonable question and follows many traditional “norms.” I have no issue with that question or answering it. I do however mind strangers, friends, even family (mostly distant) who find it necessary to say passive aggressive comments. Literally, I have heard all of these things.
- “ You don’t want her to be an only child do you?”
Matter of fact, I don’t mind. Actually, as an only child myself I speak from experience when I say only children are fabulous.
- “ You can keep trying. People have kids until they are 50. You never know.”
Nope. I don’t want to keep “trying.” That is a conscious choice that we are making and a decision that only we can make
- “ Well you never really wanted a huge family.”
Really? THIS is what you are going to say to me? Maybe I wasn’t driving the multi-child choo-choo train, but we wouldn’t have put ourselves through all of this if we didn’t really want another child
- “My [sister/brother] is my best friend. Don’t you want that for your daughter?”
Again, we had hoped for that… but it didn’t happen. Also, there are some people who hate their siblings, and being related just causes chaos. Furthermore, as an only child, I get to pick my family members and my best friend is the most amazing sister that I could ever hope for. She is literally my rock. Not from the same vagina.
- “You don’t know what you are missing”
Go fuck yourself. We aren’t “missing” anything. We are disappointed, but we are very happy with our family.
Want to Know What you Can Say?
- “I’m so sorry. You are blessed with a loving family.”
Thank you. Yes I am.
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
Yes it does.
- “I am here for you if you need to talk.”
Thank you. I appreciate your support. Even if I might not take you up on it, knowing that you are there means a lot.
We Are A Happy Loving Family Of Just 3
I am emotional right now. My husband is too. But we will be ok. Our daughter will live a wonderful blessed life surrounded by us, family, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends who will love her. We will immerse ourselves into her lives and be the best parents we can be to her. We will lean on each other and be the best husband and wife that we can be to each other.
It’s just the three of us, and regardless of what you think (or even say), I wouldn’t have it any other way.